Some things just never die...

It's been a long month...

We fight, dealt with drama, broke up momentarily, back together (but secretly of course -_-) and now it's back to drama with her. I have honestly never wanted someone to just disappear off the face of the earth, as much as I want her to.

The sucky thing is, I have no idea what's real or not lately... As much as I want to and am trying to believe the things he says aren't just words, and are actually how he really feels, and that he feels them towards me only, it's hard... Especially when she's in the background still. Telling me he says the same things to her.

I'm so confused right now, and it's going to be about another week before I'm able to even talk to him about all of it. I just want it to be him and me, just us. No one else. Have the world know we're in love with each other, and each other only. And have it be done with at that. No more games. No more rumors. No more tears.

I'm tired of crying, when I know I'm stronger than that. And when I know that she is the one person I've ever met, to get so far under my skin. He doesn't even realize how badly she gets to me though... Hell, I have a tough time realizing and admitting it.

Am I the fool in this equation ? In the end, is it going to be me who has everything she's done thrown back in her face... I pray to God that's not going to be what happens. I pray to God that what I feel is right, is true... That one day, we will have the life and family together that we've talked about on more than one occasion.

I hate thinking that it's so possible, that he won't choose me... He says I'm everything he could ever ask for in his life and everything he's ever hoped for. But I have no way of knowing if it's the truth, or just words, other than trusting him when he says he would never hurt me again and that he's going to be 150% honest about us with me... I have no freaking clue.

I let my mind wander, and this is where it gets me. Questioning if I'm the only one he's in love with... Please God, help me out right now. Why can't she just go away... It's all I'm asking, to not have to fight for him the way I've had to lately... To just know, that we belong together.

Don't break my heart Austin, but don't tell me things, just because it's what I want to hear.
I need you to be honest with me entirely. If you really do love me more than anything or anyone, and want to be with me forever, be honest. And don't go around telling other people what they want to hear...

Please.
:'(