Some things just never die...

It's been a long month...

We fight, dealt with drama, broke up momentarily, back together (but secretly of course -_-) and now it's back to drama with her. I have honestly never wanted someone to just disappear off the face of the earth, as much as I want her to.

The sucky thing is, I have no idea what's real or not lately... As much as I want to and am trying to believe the things he says aren't just words, and are actually how he really feels, and that he feels them towards me only, it's hard... Especially when she's in the background still. Telling me he says the same things to her.

I'm so confused right now, and it's going to be about another week before I'm able to even talk to him about all of it. I just want it to be him and me, just us. No one else. Have the world know we're in love with each other, and each other only. And have it be done with at that. No more games. No more rumors. No more tears.

I'm tired of crying, when I know I'm stronger than that. And when I know that she is the one person I've ever met, to get so far under my skin. He doesn't even realize how badly she gets to me though... Hell, I have a tough time realizing and admitting it.

Am I the fool in this equation ? In the end, is it going to be me who has everything she's done thrown back in her face... I pray to God that's not going to be what happens. I pray to God that what I feel is right, is true... That one day, we will have the life and family together that we've talked about on more than one occasion.

I hate thinking that it's so possible, that he won't choose me... He says I'm everything he could ever ask for in his life and everything he's ever hoped for. But I have no way of knowing if it's the truth, or just words, other than trusting him when he says he would never hurt me again and that he's going to be 150% honest about us with me... I have no freaking clue.

I let my mind wander, and this is where it gets me. Questioning if I'm the only one he's in love with... Please God, help me out right now. Why can't she just go away... It's all I'm asking, to not have to fight for him the way I've had to lately... To just know, that we belong together.

Don't break my heart Austin, but don't tell me things, just because it's what I want to hear.
I need you to be honest with me entirely. If you really do love me more than anything or anyone, and want to be with me forever, be honest. And don't go around telling other people what they want to hear...

Please.
:'(

Agonizing.

Yikes, it's been almost 2 weeks since I last wrote an entry, please forgive me for lacking on the updates. Well, where to begin !

The past two weeks or so have been, brutal. To say the very least...things haven't been the best they could be for Austin and I, and it's been an emotional roller-coaster. Add that along with studying for finals, trying to find a job and every other stress of being a college student, and you have the longest two weeks of my life.

There is so much going on between us right now, I can hardly even keep up...the one thing I want more than anything, is to just be okay...and to have things go back to how they used to be with us. I feel like we're both walking on egg shells whenever we talk to each other, and that kills me. It's going to be a long 3 years...

On a more positive note ? The majority of my girls from high school are finally home from college for the summer. We've had the chance to hang out quite a lot the past week, and I'm so happy to have them back home. It's been a long year apart for all of us, and it feels like things just go right back to how they used to be whenever we're around each other again. Still though, even when I'm partying with them, drinking and having a good time, I still want more than anything to have one person there with me. Whose that one person ? I'm sure you can make an accurate guess.

Austin.

It's Memorial Day Weekend, and I should be in Hawaii right now. Laying out on the beach with the love of my life, enjoying our time together. But no...I'm not. So many other girls are lucky enough to see their men this weekend, and I'd kill to have that chance sometime soon. The past 3 months since we've seen each other have been so tough on both of us. We need time together, or I have a feeling things are going to keep falling apart the way they have been.

Enough depression, Kelsey. I'm going to lay in my bed with my camo bear, watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and eat some pineapple, and then take a long nap :/

Learning to love.

“It is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think that you were once in love, but fell out of it, then it wasn't love you were in. There are no 'exit' signs in love, there is only an 'on' ramp.”

They say people do crazy things in love. They say love can overcome all obstacles. That love is endless and never ceasing. They say when you find the one you love, you know, you may not be able to explain why, you just know. Love is fighting over who does the dishes. Love is calling each other out on your mistakes. Love is always ending the day with a smile on your face, hoping they have a smile for the same reasons. It's

staying in bed an extra hour after you've woken up, just to keep snuggling. Love is playing paper rock scissors to decide who has to get up to turn the light off. Love is still getting butterflies everytime he walks into the room. Love is finishing each others sentences. It's getting lost in each others eyes at just one glance. It's when you jump up & stop everything u are doing to answer his phone call Love is smiling ear to ear when you see his name come up anywhere. Love is having every kiss, feel as special as the very first. It's still learning about each other, even after a lifetime together. Love is feeling like part of you has been ripped away, whenever you're apart. Love is tossing and turning all night when they're not there. It's when you see each other after forever and still thinking, "wow, how did I get so lucky". Love is always knowing things will work out the way they're supposed to, and trying not losing sight of that. It's knowing that no matter what, there is a plan for all of us. That there is no such thing as a coincidence, that everything does happen for a specific reason. For us to grow, to become stronger, to appreciate, to realize, to be a shoulder to cry on, to be a hand to hold, to be a light at the end of someone elses tunnel.

I believe that love is endless. You may think you know what it's like, but for everyone it's different. No two people, will ever be able to fall in love the same way. No one, will ever have your stories, or lives together. No one will be able to compare, to what you feel is perfection.

Truth be told, we all get to the point where we feel like throwing in the towel, asking ourselves, "can I keep doing this?". Some, more than others. The point where you have no more tears to cry. No more energy to run. When we look up to the sky and shout, "you win world, you win". When it seems that there is no silver lining, and that the grass isn't always greener. When you've almost lost all hope and faith. Or when forever seems so far away. I've been there a lot lately, and it's not something I'd wish on any relationship.

Not knowing...it's the worst thing in the world. Not knowing when you'll see each other. Not knowing what's gonna happen. If things are going to work out. Not knowing whether today's the day things will turn up daisies, and things are going to change. If this is still, all apart of our little plan in life. Personally, I've made a lot of mistakes in my own life, and own relationship. With my family, with my friends, and recently, I've made a lot in regards to my love relationship. Nothing I ever do can repair those cracks, instead we're forced to "learn from things" and such. We learn a lot throughout relationships with others, whether romantic of platonic. Then, in a sense I guess, love is learning. Learning to adjust. Learning to grow. Learning to make compromises. Learning to relate to each other. Learning your flaws. Learning to put them, before yourself.

Love is about learning. Learning to love.

I know that doesn't really make much sense, but it is true I feel. Right out of the womb, we're not aware of what it means to love. We're not born to be our own personal Dr.Phil's. We don't know what's right or wrong in a relationship that's meant for YOU. For most, it seems so easy to give out life changing advice to those we care about, but when we're placed in the same positions, we get stuck, and are lost as to what we need to do, or what may be best for us. Throughout our lives, we grow and learn about anything and everything, each day. So why wouldn't we have to learn, to love, and to be loved. To grow to be accustomed to that type of life. Not everything in life is easy, let's face it...1/100 things go as planned in life. It's impossible to have a schedule for things in yours. Some of the best things happen, on a whim, without a plan.

I love the man in my life. I love, Austin James Brown, with every fiber of my being and would go to the ends of the earth for him to be happy. For me, love is having him on my mind, from sun up, to sun down. It's having his clothes pop up randomly as subtle reminders. Love is wishing every day could have a fast forward button while we're apart, and wanting to stop time when we're together. It's wishing everything in life would just stop, because missing him gets so hard some days.

Now, some people might read this, and think, "silly puppy love teenagers". That's their choice. It's their choice to believe whether or not another couples feelings for each other are strong enough to last. If I've realized anything the past few days. It's that other people, don't matter when it comes to your happiness. You have to, and always will need to, do what makes you happy. Whatever that may be, and it shouldn't be the concern of others. The ones who matter will always stay in your life.

I'll end this with some words of advice, for both men and women.

Men: You may think that the whole excuse, "get used to it, I'm a girl" is overrated and untrue, but you're most likely wrong. Women are simply wired that way, a completely different way that you guys are. Yes, we're irrational at times. Yes, we can be very emotionally unstable. Yes we overanalyze, and twist the things you say. But this is the honest to God truth (well, for most of us). We can't help it. It's true, girls feed off drama, I'm no stranger to that. It adds excitement, but sometimes, not in the best ways, and we don't realize that til later. We don't mean to drive you crazy, swear it. We just have a different set of controls up there than you do. Cut us some slack though sometimes, you might not realize all that a woman really does for you.

Women: Now I know, I should say that we're all saints and we're always right, but we're not. Just like men will never be able to understand a woman, unless he was or will be one, women will never understand men in the same way. We're both wired completely different. Men work on a different schedule, while we play mind games, they are straight forward, and will say what's on their mind. They won't beat around the bush, and don't really have any, guards up against speaking up. We've ALL pulled the "no it's okay, you can go out with your buddies" trick one time or another, and if you haven't, be prepared. Guys aren't going to pick up on our tricks and scheming. They're going to take you seriously, and going to go out. We shouldn't get mad because with how their brains work, they take everything as the truth and honesty. They're not as quick to recognize how girls plot. So we need to cut them some slack too, with a lot of stuff. When he says you look good, BELIEVE him. Don't fight and argue, he won't tell you something unless he means it.

I could go on and on, but this is already incredibly long. So this is it for now.

One of those days.

Where I just want to strangle you. For all you Marine girlfriends, fiancees, wives, significant others, whatever you may be. I'm sure you know exactly what I'm talking about. You know, how they just seem to assume we know every little bit about their days, their work schedules, and anything involving what they're doing when we're not around. Sound familiar ?

Austin returned from PTA Sunday night, and yesterday we barely talked cause he had been sick all day. This morning, well morning for him, noon for me, he texts me and asks if I can call him when he's on his lunch and I told him to just let me know when he gets off. 3 hours pass, nothing, I text him.

"Baby, are you off for lunch yet ?"

"No. I was off, but now I'm not. It's too late. I'm surprised you remembered."

And when I say, "I was waiting for you to tell me when you had lunch," he replies with, "I have lunch at 1200, like always" and just...assumes that I know this already. It's like they have this idea that when THEY are involved with the Marines, we somehow get this little microchip magically implanted into our brains that just fills us in on their day-to-day schedule and life.

Hate to break it to you boys, but you're wrong. We're not Superwoman, we're not magicians and we're not psychics. We love you and all, but Jesus Christ, cut us some slack and share the information with us so we DO know for future reference...

That is all.

Food for thought.

Do you ever think what if ?

Stupid question, everyone thinks what if about something at one point or another. But I mean, mine are kind of...ridiculous lately.

Like the one that just came to my mind. What if there was a huge highway, that connected all of the countries (and states...i.e. Hawaii, see where I'm going with this ?) together. That way, we wouldn't be forced to spend all our money to the greedy greedy damn airlines companies. I'm officially in a resent the economy mood, because everything's so damn expensive, I can't even afford a ticket to see my fiance for a fucking weekend. TWO DAYS, is all I'm asking, and they want to pry 1,500$ out of our pockets...hell no.

If there was a highway, I'd drive for days.

Fuck.

New changes...and creepy guys.

I have been in such a G R E A T mood the past few days, and I honestly am surprised, considering I haven't been able to talk to Austin since Friday night. Boo to that, but let's seeeeeee. Friday night, I got to see the stage production of Grease with my favorite woman in the world, my mother. We got a chance to talk a lot about things that had been changing, and especially my dads new marriage...overall, it was a really good night and I miss seeing her every day.

Saturday, I did absolutely nothing and loved every minute of it ! But Sunday made up for the lack of adventure :) I drove down to Pendleton to pick up a friend who was visiting her boyfriend at SOI:MCT, and it was the first time being on base since I went 3 months ago for Austin's graduation from ITB...it was weird, every time I had gone on base alone before, I left with him sitting next to me. But it's alright, I met another USMC girl and we got a chance to bond when I drove her home. Come to find out, she lives 2 streets down from my mom, ha. Then I got a chance to see my mother again and we had the B E S T home made baby back ribs, home made fries and corn on the cob...not to mention my own personal pint of chocolate Ben and Jerry's...mmmm. AFTERWARDS, I drove back to my old house and spent some quality time with a great friend, well best friend...that never changes. We ended up making some amazing sugar cookies with sprinkles in them and while we were up in my empty room eating them, we pulled out my old year books...

I don't know if I'm proud or not to say that there was one person who wrote the same thing in every year book pretty much. "I loved coming to class and hearing all your stories, have fun over summer and don't hook up with 3446787 guys !" We found that funny...kind of.

ANYWAYS, in the middle of all that, we decided, "hey, why not cut my bangs"...so, we did.

Weird, huh ? It's gonna take a while to get used to them but it's alright, I'll get over it ! The funny thing is, Austin has no idea I did it, and probably won't know until May 9th...(whoops ? ;D)

Class was interesting today. Okay, not really...but digital arts, the end at least...creeped me out. So, there's this one kid who sits next to me every single day. He has really greasy hair, a unibrow, those tinted sunglasses/regular glasses, always scrunches up his face, makes weird noises to himself, stares at me, has horrible body odor, etc. (NEED I go on ?) Anywho, I was staying late to work on something and the prof. asked if I was the only one staying and I said yeah, and then asked Alex (that's the kid) if he was also and he said no. So the class leaves and I'm still working and Alex...is still sitting staring from his computer, to me, computer, me...and so on. By this time, I'm like, screw this, I'll finish this next class. So I get up to leave thinking he'd turn off the lights and leave a while after me.

I walk out the door...and two seconds later hear the door open and close again. And guess who ? Alex, is walking behind me to the parking lot. I had previously told Austin about how he always creeped me out in class, and I wish I could tell him about what happened today, but I can't...boo. I wish he could have come home when he tried, he wanted to sit in that class with me so the kid would stop staring...hahaha. Gotta love Marines.

I miss you.

I miss your stupid mustache tattoo, and having "Pierre" cheer me up.

I miss your stupid smirk, and how I'd know you're up to no good.

I miss your stupid obsession with my mole and bellybutton.

I miss your ginger jokes, even when I say I hate them.

I miss your wet willies, and your tickle fight freak outs.

I miss your dorky laugh, and the smile that makes me swoon.

I miss your clothes all over my room and car, they're oddly clean now.

I miss your arms around me at night, and waking up to your snores.

I miss our wrestling fights, and putting up a fight.

I miss our car rides, even when you nearly kill both us and my car.

I miss our beer pong games.

I miss cuddling with you during movies.

I miss holding your hand everywhere and anywhere.

I miss having you near me.

I miss being able to look forward to seeing you every night.

I miss doing absolutely nothing with you.

I miss fireworks.

I miss Angel games.

I miss bonfires.

I miss caramel hot chocolate.

I miss everything about you, and everything to do with you.

But most of all, I simply just miss you.

Gotta love family time.

For those of you who have never met my dads new wife (wow that's weird to say, he just remarried two weeks ago), you have not met a true Stepford Wife before. It's not a bad thing at all, but Miss Heidi Halbers, now Langstaff, is the epitome of perfect mom in as many ways as you can think. It's so cheesy sometimes it used to make me want to vomit. Here's an example of what I mean.

The first time me and my best friend Skylar ever came over to her house, she told us "there's always baked goods in the kitchen or in the oven so help yourself !" We thought she was joking, but lo-and-behold, walking into the kitchen we see; a plate of brownies, sugar cookies and there's a batch of chocolate chip cookies in the oven. You'd think after a few visits to her house, with multiple teenage groups coming and going, she'd run out of sweets and goodies, nope. I've been living here for about 5 months now and there are still baked goods in the kitchen every time you look for them.

Convinced yet ? You will be.

There's also...family movie nights. They started out every Sunday night me and her two twins would join the two of them in the master bedroom for a movie, but now, with hectic crazy schedules, it's kind of...spastic scheduling.

You can always count on one thing during dinner though. She's started something where we go around the table, and each person has to tell everyone the highlight of their day and the low-point of their day. At first, I thought it was a joke, and it was first brought up a weekend which Austin was staying with us and we both looked at each other after like, "is this real ?" but it was still fun and entertaining while it lasted.

Now that it's getting into summer season however, we have a new tradition on weekends. Weekend morning, instead of having breakfast inside as we normally would, we eat a full course breakfast meal, ham, eggs, bacon, potatoes, OJ and milk, outside on the backyard patio...

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in some perfect little family movie. You know, the ones where nothing ever goes wrong, and the parents are happy as can be yada freaking yada ? That one.

Face the facts.

Everyone has a certain something that, whatever it may be, whenever they're feeling down in the dumps, or just need a little "boost", it has the ability to turn things in a complete 180. The ability to make us feel on top of the world, and stronger than we ever thought we were. A light at the end of the tunnel in a way.

For me, it's not a song.

It's not a movie.

It's not a book.

It's not a baked good.

It's nothing material, in fact.

Of all things it could be, it's that first homecoming. Boot camp family day and graduation. There's a lot of memories throughout the past few years that stick out perfectly in my mind, but these two days, were perfect. Every minute. Every hour. I wouldn't trade them for the world. It may seem silly, but I replay them in my mind full out, and it can make any mood 810567316 x better. There was no better feeling up to that day, than seeing him dressed and pressed in uniform, standing tall and proud as one of the few and the proud. No greater love, than that first hug and kiss.

Now, there are a few people that...are not exactly, "supportive" of the life I've chosen with Austin. I have been talked about behind my back, betrayed by people I once trusted as my best friends, and I won't lie. It hurts more than anything. But I'm don't regret anything about the choices I've made, or the path I've chosen to take. I have nothing to apologize for, and nothing to take back. There's a reason that there are only a few people I trust in my life as of late, and it's because those people have given me true reason to keep them in my life. They have been there for me when hardly anyone else cared to be. They have seen me at my worst, therefore, they deserve me at my best. They have offered a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or just simply, an ear to listen to me bitch and moan.

I'm not perfect. No where near being even close. But just because I've made mistakes, or done things that some people don't approve of, does that mean I can't be happy ? Does that mean that I don't deserve to do what makes me happy, or what I want in life ?

I've decided only one thing matters in my life right now, and that's my happiness. I will do whatever it takes, to keep what makes me happy. I will cut out people who bring me down, if I have to. But one way or another, I am going to continue being happy.

Hit rock bottom, before you reach the top.

If you took the past few days I've had over spring break, and compared them to Easter weekend, you'd see maybe a complete 180 in so many different ways. You know that saying, "it has to get worse, before it gets better" ? I definitely believe in that whole-heartedly as of right now. Confused ? Let me break it down.

Easter weekend; family, food, weekend, blahblahblah. Sounds fun enough, right ? Wrong. Most exhausting weekend of my life. To put it short, I had hit rock bottom, in more ways than one. Now, I'm not really the type of person to get depressed, but I had reached that point, and didn't know how to drag myself out of the holes I had just dug myself into. I just knew that things needed to change for me to be happy, healthy, and myself again.

Spring break; it's been perfect (well, except for the lacking in one major factor, of course). I pigged out and watched zombie movies with my best friend of 7 years. I had a picnic in the park with my lovely Emily and her beau Erik. I spent time with my future brother-in-law and mother-in-law after...how many months ? I played beer pong for the first time without Austin. Got my hair cut for the first time since October and sat in a completely unpowered house, with only candles for hours. Smoked at the beach under the pier. Skyped with the love of my life, with his best friend sleeping over. And somehow managed to ration my money and gas to last me til tonight. Spring break isn't over yet, but I'm dedicating this weekend to "me time"...I deserve it right ?

There really is, always a silver lining to every gray cloud. Sometimes we don't wanna see it, so we have to look a little harder, or maybe even get some help from a friend. But we can all find it. You just have to want it. I wanted a change. I wanted to get back to being me, being happy.

Guess what ?
I did.

School starts back up on Monday, can't wait...and no that's not sarcasm. I'm ready to get back and crack down on coming out on top this semester. I'm getting my act together, in more ways than one. And I will always have you to thank for that.

Been a while.

Well I'm not gonna lie, definitely forgot I made one of these. Whoops ? Write everyday on here for the next three months ? Ha.

Okay, so it's not really a lie. I mean, I DID write, every day (or close enough) for three months while Austin was in boot camp, but not on here. Yeah, I actually kept a journal. I guess you could count my daily letters to him in that as well ?

Anyways, enough of that. A lot has changed since my first post on here, a LOT. Where to begin ? Well, as you can see, I survived the first three months of being introduced to the Marine Corps family. Family day and graduation are by far, two of the most amazing days I have ever had. Boot leave and RA came and went, and Austin started up SOI. We got lucky, he came home every weekend nearly, for Thanksgiving, and 2 weeks during Christmas and New Years. He's in Hawaii now though, and has been for the past 2 months. It's been hard on us, to put it simply. We're still adjusting to it, but we'll be able to get through it. I've been able to go out once to visit, but of course it is NEVER enough. It's alright though, the best things in life are the things worth waiting for :)

Despite the amount of fights we get into, over the stupidest things. And all the names we call eachother just for the hell of it. I love my Marine more than anything else in my life and can't wait for the day I get him 24/7, for the rest of our lives. We're going on strong 9 months now and nothing's getting in our way anymore. We won't let it.