Food for thought.

Do you ever think what if ?

Stupid question, everyone thinks what if about something at one point or another. But I mean, mine are kind of...ridiculous lately.

Like the one that just came to my mind. What if there was a huge highway, that connected all of the countries (and states...i.e. Hawaii, see where I'm going with this ?) together. That way, we wouldn't be forced to spend all our money to the greedy greedy damn airlines companies. I'm officially in a resent the economy mood, because everything's so damn expensive, I can't even afford a ticket to see my fiance for a fucking weekend. TWO DAYS, is all I'm asking, and they want to pry 1,500$ out of our pockets...hell no.

If there was a highway, I'd drive for days.

Fuck.

New changes...and creepy guys.

I have been in such a G R E A T mood the past few days, and I honestly am surprised, considering I haven't been able to talk to Austin since Friday night. Boo to that, but let's seeeeeee. Friday night, I got to see the stage production of Grease with my favorite woman in the world, my mother. We got a chance to talk a lot about things that had been changing, and especially my dads new marriage...overall, it was a really good night and I miss seeing her every day.

Saturday, I did absolutely nothing and loved every minute of it ! But Sunday made up for the lack of adventure :) I drove down to Pendleton to pick up a friend who was visiting her boyfriend at SOI:MCT, and it was the first time being on base since I went 3 months ago for Austin's graduation from ITB...it was weird, every time I had gone on base alone before, I left with him sitting next to me. But it's alright, I met another USMC girl and we got a chance to bond when I drove her home. Come to find out, she lives 2 streets down from my mom, ha. Then I got a chance to see my mother again and we had the B E S T home made baby back ribs, home made fries and corn on the cob...not to mention my own personal pint of chocolate Ben and Jerry's...mmmm. AFTERWARDS, I drove back to my old house and spent some quality time with a great friend, well best friend...that never changes. We ended up making some amazing sugar cookies with sprinkles in them and while we were up in my empty room eating them, we pulled out my old year books...

I don't know if I'm proud or not to say that there was one person who wrote the same thing in every year book pretty much. "I loved coming to class and hearing all your stories, have fun over summer and don't hook up with 3446787 guys !" We found that funny...kind of.

ANYWAYS, in the middle of all that, we decided, "hey, why not cut my bangs"...so, we did.

Weird, huh ? It's gonna take a while to get used to them but it's alright, I'll get over it ! The funny thing is, Austin has no idea I did it, and probably won't know until May 9th...(whoops ? ;D)

Class was interesting today. Okay, not really...but digital arts, the end at least...creeped me out. So, there's this one kid who sits next to me every single day. He has really greasy hair, a unibrow, those tinted sunglasses/regular glasses, always scrunches up his face, makes weird noises to himself, stares at me, has horrible body odor, etc. (NEED I go on ?) Anywho, I was staying late to work on something and the prof. asked if I was the only one staying and I said yeah, and then asked Alex (that's the kid) if he was also and he said no. So the class leaves and I'm still working and Alex...is still sitting staring from his computer, to me, computer, me...and so on. By this time, I'm like, screw this, I'll finish this next class. So I get up to leave thinking he'd turn off the lights and leave a while after me.

I walk out the door...and two seconds later hear the door open and close again. And guess who ? Alex, is walking behind me to the parking lot. I had previously told Austin about how he always creeped me out in class, and I wish I could tell him about what happened today, but I can't...boo. I wish he could have come home when he tried, he wanted to sit in that class with me so the kid would stop staring...hahaha. Gotta love Marines.

I miss you.

I miss your stupid mustache tattoo, and having "Pierre" cheer me up.

I miss your stupid smirk, and how I'd know you're up to no good.

I miss your stupid obsession with my mole and bellybutton.

I miss your ginger jokes, even when I say I hate them.

I miss your wet willies, and your tickle fight freak outs.

I miss your dorky laugh, and the smile that makes me swoon.

I miss your clothes all over my room and car, they're oddly clean now.

I miss your arms around me at night, and waking up to your snores.

I miss our wrestling fights, and putting up a fight.

I miss our car rides, even when you nearly kill both us and my car.

I miss our beer pong games.

I miss cuddling with you during movies.

I miss holding your hand everywhere and anywhere.

I miss having you near me.

I miss being able to look forward to seeing you every night.

I miss doing absolutely nothing with you.

I miss fireworks.

I miss Angel games.

I miss bonfires.

I miss caramel hot chocolate.

I miss everything about you, and everything to do with you.

But most of all, I simply just miss you.

Gotta love family time.

For those of you who have never met my dads new wife (wow that's weird to say, he just remarried two weeks ago), you have not met a true Stepford Wife before. It's not a bad thing at all, but Miss Heidi Halbers, now Langstaff, is the epitome of perfect mom in as many ways as you can think. It's so cheesy sometimes it used to make me want to vomit. Here's an example of what I mean.

The first time me and my best friend Skylar ever came over to her house, she told us "there's always baked goods in the kitchen or in the oven so help yourself !" We thought she was joking, but lo-and-behold, walking into the kitchen we see; a plate of brownies, sugar cookies and there's a batch of chocolate chip cookies in the oven. You'd think after a few visits to her house, with multiple teenage groups coming and going, she'd run out of sweets and goodies, nope. I've been living here for about 5 months now and there are still baked goods in the kitchen every time you look for them.

Convinced yet ? You will be.

There's also...family movie nights. They started out every Sunday night me and her two twins would join the two of them in the master bedroom for a movie, but now, with hectic crazy schedules, it's kind of...spastic scheduling.

You can always count on one thing during dinner though. She's started something where we go around the table, and each person has to tell everyone the highlight of their day and the low-point of their day. At first, I thought it was a joke, and it was first brought up a weekend which Austin was staying with us and we both looked at each other after like, "is this real ?" but it was still fun and entertaining while it lasted.

Now that it's getting into summer season however, we have a new tradition on weekends. Weekend morning, instead of having breakfast inside as we normally would, we eat a full course breakfast meal, ham, eggs, bacon, potatoes, OJ and milk, outside on the backyard patio...

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in some perfect little family movie. You know, the ones where nothing ever goes wrong, and the parents are happy as can be yada freaking yada ? That one.

Face the facts.

Everyone has a certain something that, whatever it may be, whenever they're feeling down in the dumps, or just need a little "boost", it has the ability to turn things in a complete 180. The ability to make us feel on top of the world, and stronger than we ever thought we were. A light at the end of the tunnel in a way.

For me, it's not a song.

It's not a movie.

It's not a book.

It's not a baked good.

It's nothing material, in fact.

Of all things it could be, it's that first homecoming. Boot camp family day and graduation. There's a lot of memories throughout the past few years that stick out perfectly in my mind, but these two days, were perfect. Every minute. Every hour. I wouldn't trade them for the world. It may seem silly, but I replay them in my mind full out, and it can make any mood 810567316 x better. There was no better feeling up to that day, than seeing him dressed and pressed in uniform, standing tall and proud as one of the few and the proud. No greater love, than that first hug and kiss.

Now, there are a few people that...are not exactly, "supportive" of the life I've chosen with Austin. I have been talked about behind my back, betrayed by people I once trusted as my best friends, and I won't lie. It hurts more than anything. But I'm don't regret anything about the choices I've made, or the path I've chosen to take. I have nothing to apologize for, and nothing to take back. There's a reason that there are only a few people I trust in my life as of late, and it's because those people have given me true reason to keep them in my life. They have been there for me when hardly anyone else cared to be. They have seen me at my worst, therefore, they deserve me at my best. They have offered a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, or just simply, an ear to listen to me bitch and moan.

I'm not perfect. No where near being even close. But just because I've made mistakes, or done things that some people don't approve of, does that mean I can't be happy ? Does that mean that I don't deserve to do what makes me happy, or what I want in life ?

I've decided only one thing matters in my life right now, and that's my happiness. I will do whatever it takes, to keep what makes me happy. I will cut out people who bring me down, if I have to. But one way or another, I am going to continue being happy.

Hit rock bottom, before you reach the top.

If you took the past few days I've had over spring break, and compared them to Easter weekend, you'd see maybe a complete 180 in so many different ways. You know that saying, "it has to get worse, before it gets better" ? I definitely believe in that whole-heartedly as of right now. Confused ? Let me break it down.

Easter weekend; family, food, weekend, blahblahblah. Sounds fun enough, right ? Wrong. Most exhausting weekend of my life. To put it short, I had hit rock bottom, in more ways than one. Now, I'm not really the type of person to get depressed, but I had reached that point, and didn't know how to drag myself out of the holes I had just dug myself into. I just knew that things needed to change for me to be happy, healthy, and myself again.

Spring break; it's been perfect (well, except for the lacking in one major factor, of course). I pigged out and watched zombie movies with my best friend of 7 years. I had a picnic in the park with my lovely Emily and her beau Erik. I spent time with my future brother-in-law and mother-in-law after...how many months ? I played beer pong for the first time without Austin. Got my hair cut for the first time since October and sat in a completely unpowered house, with only candles for hours. Smoked at the beach under the pier. Skyped with the love of my life, with his best friend sleeping over. And somehow managed to ration my money and gas to last me til tonight. Spring break isn't over yet, but I'm dedicating this weekend to "me time"...I deserve it right ?

There really is, always a silver lining to every gray cloud. Sometimes we don't wanna see it, so we have to look a little harder, or maybe even get some help from a friend. But we can all find it. You just have to want it. I wanted a change. I wanted to get back to being me, being happy.

Guess what ?
I did.

School starts back up on Monday, can't wait...and no that's not sarcasm. I'm ready to get back and crack down on coming out on top this semester. I'm getting my act together, in more ways than one. And I will always have you to thank for that.

Been a while.

Well I'm not gonna lie, definitely forgot I made one of these. Whoops ? Write everyday on here for the next three months ? Ha.

Okay, so it's not really a lie. I mean, I DID write, every day (or close enough) for three months while Austin was in boot camp, but not on here. Yeah, I actually kept a journal. I guess you could count my daily letters to him in that as well ?

Anyways, enough of that. A lot has changed since my first post on here, a LOT. Where to begin ? Well, as you can see, I survived the first three months of being introduced to the Marine Corps family. Family day and graduation are by far, two of the most amazing days I have ever had. Boot leave and RA came and went, and Austin started up SOI. We got lucky, he came home every weekend nearly, for Thanksgiving, and 2 weeks during Christmas and New Years. He's in Hawaii now though, and has been for the past 2 months. It's been hard on us, to put it simply. We're still adjusting to it, but we'll be able to get through it. I've been able to go out once to visit, but of course it is NEVER enough. It's alright though, the best things in life are the things worth waiting for :)

Despite the amount of fights we get into, over the stupidest things. And all the names we call eachother just for the hell of it. I love my Marine more than anything else in my life and can't wait for the day I get him 24/7, for the rest of our lives. We're going on strong 9 months now and nothing's getting in our way anymore. We won't let it.